previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
flickering light up ahead of you said shadows have you seen figures in the
trees or things just outside of your vision that when you turn they're gone
no we don't believe in any such sort of child stories I just want you to
know that idea of these are stories we tell our children's things like
that don't exist that's going to get you killed you hear screaming and you
see standing amidst the rubble of this tent close to what you could presume
15 foot tall gorilla like creature it turns and it looks to your group its
eyes flash a deep dark red
welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons we're D&D fifth edition actual play
podcast and I'm your dungeon master Russ More and with me today is Tom Laird
hey that's me I play Flint Firebeard and Carla Maxted that's me I play is it
Lex it is right now let's see if it sticks and Amy More I think that's me
I play Sia Amastasia and back with us today a very special guest from the
crit show it's rev hi I'm playing margaret broadcloak now rev you play
on the crit show yes you run games and you play games
tell us a little bit about the crit show and what our listeners could expect
when they come and when they come and just pop in yeah so the crit show is
an actual play podcast of course and we focus on monster of the week and
other powered by the apocalypse games in the first season the hunters
discover they have to go to other worlds to kind of get all the things
they need and so our mechanic now is that when they go to a different
world it's a different powered by the apocalypse game and so they get to
experience all these different games that exist by all these smaller
publishers or independent publishers and one of the big things we kind of
focus on is that in the first three or four episodes of that game system we
want to make sure you walk away know how to playing it
it's awesome it's a it's a lot of fun I really like that
because we don't describe how to play anything but we it's kind of like
a what not to do if you that's good it is we are
instructive in a way just don't do what we learn how to actually play the game
so if you feel like you're missing something from dumps and dragons
go check out the crit show don't leave us entirely but
it's okay to to let your eyes wander no but please do because you put on
an amazing show I haven't listened to all of them yet
because I also only recently just met you when we recorded for
dm to gm yes but uh but yeah it's amazing
the whole team's fun I highly suggest going to check it out
where you can check out some other things is over on Patreon Patreon.com
dumb dragon cast and when you are a patron you get an episode dedicated to
you not can it's not an it's it's a thing it's not an
optional we will dedicate to you whether you want this to or not
you know what and we we're going to say it as happy as we can so today's
patron that we are dedicating an episode two is creighton's underscore
raven creighton's raven thank you raven that's fun that's awesome
thank you and now fuck it let's play dnd I thought for sure
amy was gonna make a that's so raven joke but whatever
miss the boat it's the boat that's too late and he already said your
opportunity starting words now it's gone host
you are in the middle of a clearing you have just seen
this monstrous huge beast in front of you
horned long tail gorilla like figure and
margaret you see it disappear as you are charged by several
hippo faced apes pink and gray i'll give you said it was red and
gray red and black is what you said orange
and black is what i wrote down in orange
and black they're they're multicolored it's a rainbow of
apopotamuses calico they're calico hippo face monk the red and gray is the is
the ass of the ape red gray black orange
green blue i've got all the colors there now
i can just cut in the ones i need um i'll give you
you're on the edge there i am three a beat
there's running there's screaming there's mayhem the the
settlement uh people that you've come across
they don't seem very organized at all um some of them are screaming in on fire
some of them are running for their lives others are trying to grab
nervously their weapons i'll give you three a beat to kind of arrange
yourselves and then we'll roll for an issue
i'm curious as to being on the outside of this when the
big creature disappears do i see anything different being having
an outsider's perspective we're gonna we're gonna zoom out
oh um you were busy focusing on the army out of your periphery or the
soldiers out here whatever you were seeing out of your periphery
um as you see this flash and the tents start to go you see the
shoulder of this this ape kind of appear out of the tent
like it was inside and the the tent burns around it
you catch the horn coming up over another tent
and a blast of lightning goes as you hear
um coming from different sides of this clearing
um the sound of grunts and and they're coming out of the forest
they're coming out of the forest and as you see this you see this
burst of lightning go and almost like it as it goes
it seemingly to you pulls the the creature in the center of this
clearing along with it like it's being
like beamed up like the lightning like comes out
of what you could presume is its mouth but then as it kind of dissipates the
beast follows behind it disapperating as it
as it fizzles is there anything left in the spot where it was
uh there's the burning village you're not close enough to see anything
fire lots of fire screaming and fire lots of fire people on fire
okay sorry i was going to give the three of you a beat
to discuss arrange and then we'll roll
so in the moment before this thing vanishes and i actually get
eyes on it is there anything about it that looks
familiar that i understand um to try to figure out what it is or
might be make a nature check uh 17 you recognize parts of it
obviously they're the the hands and the build of it
seem very ape like the the joining of all of these different
features of it seems very unnatural to you
um throughout your travels you would have heard of the fae
whether you've been there or not well you tell me have you ever been to the
fae i think that i have dealt with a few
but i don't think i've physically been there
all right so you know that in the faith from the stories that you've
heard from those that you've interacted with is that not
everything is as as it is here in the material plane
some things are mixed up and unnatural as we would see it
um but that's what this in this moment kind of
reminds you of is more of a a fae being
rather than a being of the material plane
Lex and flint you are awoken and you come out and you see kind of just
the aftermath of this now the the the eight hippos charging
towards you margaret's floating with her
boots thea's nowhere to be seen at the moment
what do you do uh you mentioned people were
on fire i did maybe mention that yeah some uh it's
because the the tent where the beast was seen
erupted in flames and the flames are starting to spread
um the people who ran from there were a couple people who ran from
who seemingly survived um they're on fire they're kind of rolling around
some of them are being patted out so they're frantically taking care of each
other uh not necessarily well i was going to
say is there anyone that i can like wrap a blanket around and stop them
from being on fire sure you you run off to do you run off
to uh someone who's frantically screaming
their clothing is on fire you tell me what you do do you
full-body tackle them uh it's not really a full-body tackle but it's in
that realm of things but it's like blanket first like you get a
a jumping hug if you will i like it uh Lex i think i am just going to
um probably pull out my great sword and get ready to
fight these creatures that seem to be attacking like i want to protect these
sort of hapless villager people that are these dumb
dumbs who've got themselves into a stupid situation you know they're rusty
gardening shears or whatever they've got i don't think that's gonna
so charging towards you you see seven medium size so we're going to say
like four to five feet tall ape hippos and
apes and two larger so they're probably more
six or seven feet very burly charging towards you everybody roll
for initiative oh my god uh you have to roll another 20 you
can uh no that's a one it's not technically
at least it was wasted on an initiative it's true oh well
it's only a six i rolled a four i rolled a one amy 17 so proud
also 17 17 who has the higher decks that modifier surely must be flint
um plus three for modifier yes
it's not she's not a spry betty white type no no
she wears her age well but it gets in the joint sometimes
her hips don't lie we didn't really say how big this clearing was but we'll say
it's 60 feet full across so you're right in the middle 30 feet
apes are charging towards you from uh mostly from
the north as margaret would know um a couple smaller ones coming uh from
the south you kind of do a quick scans
so how many did i say there were six and two
you said there was seven medium and two large you know what i should write this
shit down you should because you know carla's doing it
he was gonna go with six carla you said there was five
yeah they disappeared three there's two tiny ones so so two medium ones
coming from behind five medium and two large kind of
coming and flanking from the north and flint you're up first
uh all right are they how far away are they
uh it's 30 feet to the perimeter from the center where you
are so they're within 30 feet but are they within 25 feet we're gonna
say that you do you want to walk ahead five feet
though well we're gonna say their dwarfs don't have super duper movement
so i need to know if they're within 25 feet we're gonna say they have
charged out five to ten feet depending on which
one you're going for you have run to blanket an
individual um now the two of you were the three
of you were sleeping so armor wise where are you at
uh i feel like flint's pretty adept at sleeping in his armor
yeah i mean i was on next watch so i don't think i would have like
fully geared down because i would have been getting up soon
i'm gonna write a note here that flint is gonna start experiencing
exhaustion for sleeping in his armor
not today how refreshed you'd be had you been sleeping naked like you
really wanted to well thea won't let me do that anymore
all right what do you want to do uh yeah i guess i'll uh
charge forward and hack and slash at these mofos
okay you're going for one of the bigger ones or one of the medium size
ones i will go for one of the bigger ones all
right so yeah like i said seven you know seven to eight feet tall
wide across the bigger ones have long tails that are
holding a mushroom weird i don't like the look of that
mushroom tail so i'm gonna try to stay like
directly in front of said large hippopotamate okay is that what we
settle on that's what you settle on yeah hippopotamate
yeah that's the one all right uh all right i pull out my
long sword and i say the magic word of moist
all right and my first attack is
a 23 uh 23 will hit all right weird 23 hits an unarmored monkey
it's crazy right it's really big all right
that is 14 damage as it takes your hit it recoils
and then thrusts its belly at you for a 26 to hit that'll hit does it
help that i did cold damage to it i mean it doesn't help specifically
i just you never know with some of these monsters
as it belly thrusts you feel its hard nipples on you as it thrusts its chest
at you all right and you're gonna take 23
bludgeoning damage oh shit and you're knocked five feet back
thea chooses not to join the battle
uh you said 23 yes sir okay i'm gonna opt out
well thea watches from the sidelines just like they got this
uh i guess i will attack again all right
that is an 18 that too will hit okay
that is 11 damage um it it takes your hit and then rolls into your your attack
and bends over and grabs its knees and its tails lift up and a plume of noxious gas comes out from
its behind it farts at him make a constitution saving throw oh my god
just can't even right now what what is happening uh constitution saving throw all right
i have advantage against poison by the way uh it's not specifically poison
oh okay well that is a 22 okay you're fine you're it stinks it's noxious it's gross
you retch a little bit yeah perfect uh well that tail is uh out and about
do it i'm gonna slice it off of it with a 22 attack on that one okay yep sure so you're
going to slice the tail off yeah like the little mushroom and it's gonna i'm just gonna
hack that right off do it uh that is 17 damage so the tail comes off mushroom and tail drop to
the ground as it shrieks a hideous grunting holler margaret you are up so the people below are
panicking um do i see any of them even in any condition to like protect those who are like
what's christo doing how's he how's he handling this uh christo was in one of the tents so he
ran out kind of similar time to flint and Lex and yourself um he is trying to calm some of
the people he was one of the ones to go grab his weapons but as he sees flint rush out
and you fly up he kind of is trying to take stock of some of the people that are more panicked
okay um so i think i'm gonna fly down and land next to flint um and and yell to christo like
as i go by like stay between us and these people and i'm gonna try to
hit the one that uh flint is fighting all right uh so 28 oh uh yes yes that will hit
that would be nine and i don't suppose that this thing happens to be a fiend or undead
uh it is not actually there so you come down and strike down with your mace as this ape is
kind of rolling through some of the the the damage that flint was dealing jumps up and tries
to belly thrust you uh that's gonna be a 21 to hit yes 12 bludgeoning damage and you are knocked
back five feet um and you too have three actions per round so you can attack two more times uh yeah
so i think i will do that i'll step forward again and take a swing at it because this is
one of them and i've seen flint i don't know him uh but if the stories that he's told me
of what they have done are true and this one is still standing that's not good news
okay 15 15 will hit and that will be seven tell me what happens when you kill this first yeah
uh i margaret leaps forward again after getting knocked backwards and holds her shield a little
higher and hits at the uh kind of the underside of the belly um worked because it was very hard
at the top and so she thinks like oh if i can get it from below and uh it just kind of collapses
to the ground out of air um and she slams the shield down on his head it deflates and
a noxious cloud comes up and out of it make a constitution saving throw and its response to
what um to a noxious cloud that came out of the deflating gorilla pole okay uh so like a
a stinking cloud or a harmful gas or vapor yes okay i have um advantage on those oh i like it
that's so specific i'm glad it came in yeah i just bought a bunch of random items that i
thought oh if you encountered various monsters around the world here are the things you would
have randomly found uh so that is a 23 uh yes it is it is certainly stinky i uh well i mean it
depends what your thing does maybe you don't even smell it i'm not sure how your item works
specifically but uh you certainly don't take any ill effects from it other than it being a
stinking cloud margaret looks at flint and he goes wasn't me um so you have one more attack
um you flew down so you'd still have walk or run speed walk speed to get to probably you
could make it to one of the medium sized ones um i think i'm going to stay where i am okay in
case any of them get closer to the the camp okay uh we could say you would uh ready that
action so if one on its turn comes close to you you can ready to hit that as it's coming
towards you okay okay and then we are to the apes the remaining large one um if you went to
that one the other one was on a farther side rushes towards the encampment and begins to try
and get some of the frantic people um and it attacks uh with its fists
uh one misses but one of the town's people one of the soldiers so to speak quote unquote
um takes a fist uh hard in the chest um and Lex you're close enough that you would hear
bone crunching as this person falls to the ground um the medium ones one is going to at
least one is definitely going to rush towards you uh and flint margaret so you may take your
attack as it approaches a natural 20 all right so you roll your die your damage dice twice
and then add your modifiers once uh 18 all right tell me what happens when you kill this
smaller damn god mark right there really right taking them down fuck with betty white um i think
that she hears that sound from inside the camp of that larger one and just the the rage the
frustration of something having gotten past them she just takes it out on the closest one and
so it's just straight in the face perfect um it drops to the ground as two more rush over
to you one attacking uh margaret one attacking flint so the attacks on margaret two fists
um first one is going to be a seven next one is 21 uh 21 hits okay then you are going to take
six bludgeoning damage from one of the fists of this creature flint uh 15 and 12 neither of
those hit i don't think both are bad all right uh both let out a stinking noxious odor cloud
um you don't smell it because you have special things flint you're gonna have to make a
constitution saving throw again okay thank god con is one of my good ones that is a 19
you're fine four more rush to the encamp two tour or one towards Lex the other three
towards townsfolk uh the ones uh rushing towards the townsfolk each get a punch
off but don't drop the townspeople and then the one towards Lex that is not good 11 and a nine
uh nope okay carla's like right i'm Lex yeah uh thea you were uh what i thought he needed me to add
those together and i was like no i don't do the math no you just give me the end number um okay
well could we possibly say that while this is happening i've been slinking through tall
grass toward the fight yes thank you i appreciate that because had he made me take a turn
take a turn just like running through a field i probably would have tipped a table or something
he would have been like and that's your turn
so i'm gonna try to cold breath okay i do not that's my turn i have to make a dexterity
saving throw so i oh do i have to recharge it if i do oh that's only after i use it
right because that's what it means so you're okay i i want to find a big one
uh there's one big one in the camp yeah yep okay so dexterity saving throw yes please yep
nine 12 so no good so you take four d8 cold damage yeah it's getting chilly up in her
four that's a one that's a two guys we're getting there okay that's another two
and that's a five so ten cold damage did this just spit ice cubes at at the
kind of yeah a blast of freezing wind and a 15-foot cone um okay uh it is chilly fLex
sorry does it take my damage yeah okay you're just like it's local well hey um i am going
to use a bonus action to cast searing smite okay and then i am going to attack the one
that tried to attack me with my great sword so that is how great is it it's pretty great
pretty great that's a great roll that's not even credit no it's plus 10 so that is going to be
10 uh stabbing damage but then also it will get three fire damage okay as your uh blade yes
blade strikes in and ignites some of the fur the ape lets out a bellow and drops to the ground
seemingly unconscious great well i'm going to move on oh unconscious okay well let's finish
that well do i care i mean it drops to the ground it i don't know i'm going to move on
to another one because maybe maybe they talk and we could interrogate it after i could tie
it up and throw it in a river throw it in a river okay next attack is an 18
on whatever other one is closest to me so that is going to be six plus so 10 11 damage
on that one that one is also dead great well let's go for a third one then okay
okay so describe this kind of pass through that you do here so you haven't made it to the big one
but you've taken out three of the more medium sized ones yeah i think hearing the sound of
that creature break the villagers like clavicle or whatever it did like really made me like
all my protective instincts come out so i am just like not raging in a dnd way but in a normal way
and i'm just like cutting through and i am trying to make my way to that big one because
i want to take down the biggest meanest creature there is so i'll i'll knock all
these little guys out of the way on my way to that big one okay it's the people's turn
and the majority of them are well a couple of them are were engaged in combat but you have
amended that for them and they are busy trying to stop some of the people from running back
into the forest or are running with them christo is moving he has finished helping somebody
sending them to a more safe vantage point and he's going to charge towards
the larger ape creature with thea and that's a natural 20 he swings with his sword i don't like
that pass he's not going to hit you i mean it's going to hit christos our friend he's a good guy
oh right so that's going to be you think russ just named one of the hippo waves don't know
how embarrassing that they had the same name too right make really awkward they both look
when you call them uh that's going to be 18 slashing damage i guess he's not as useless
as we thought he was yeah take it back christo back to the top flint uh who's nearby still
some of these medium-sized boys yeah there's one on each you and margaret all right i'll
take a choppy choppy at the one that's on me okay uh that is a 20 but not critical right yep
uh 10 damage on that one you you cut into it deep it's bleeding out and it drops to the
ground it's still uh it's still crying out in pain all right we'll take a second action to
just finish the job do you need me to roll you you get advantage on it it's prone all right
it's up i mean is 17 enough do i need to roll again no you're good
in case it was a crit thought i would uh yeah so 17 uh yeah i put my foot on its back and
just like run my sword through it uh it in a swift clean cut it stops any noise it's making
and i turn and uh take a chop at the one that is attacking margaret okay
23 yes sir oh that's full damage 17 tell me how you kill it i mean essentially same thing i
kind of trip it put my weight on it run it through it worked so well on the last one it's
clean it's humane it's uh it works it's bob barker approves
okay anything else movement or otherwise there's no none immediately around you so if you were
to move you would not be invoking opportunity uh i'll move about 10 feet closer to the big
one that's left okay margaret your turn uh i think seeing Lex and cristo with the big one
i'm gonna rush over to it uh how far away is it uh you can definitely make it this turn
so yeah within 30 uh and i'm gonna get next to cristo uh and swing my my mace at it okay
uh 23 yes sir and i think it being in the middle of camp um
um i do nine damage but i'm actually gonna spend two of my
my superiority points okay um because as a monster hunter um if i spend two i don't have to roll
them they are just the top number but i have to spend two so it's actually 29 points
29 points of damage yes yeah all right margaret that is a handy ass thing to have
okay so describe to me this move as you come over and strike this thing down um i think it's very
similar to the last big one that we took down that margaret runs up behind it and slides
underneath it and is able to hit that weak spot right underneath its belly um before it gets
real hard where it's been attacking us and it collapses to the ground and she brings the
shield down again so we picture betty white like ninja sliding underneath this large hippo
ape creature driving your mace up into it and as you hit it it hollers and looks down at you
and beats its chest releases a noxious gas um but then all of the other ones and this one
in in unison just like the large one that you saw from behind them lightning erupts and
they are pulled into you see the light leave this large creature's eyes as it's being sucked back
up into this lightning all of them have disappeared you're out of combat now
well that's a hell of a thing um can i go and cure or yeah i want to cure that
guy's busted bones yeah you walk over and he's he's still alive but like
gagging blood you know coming up he's grasping his chest as you approach um okay i am going to
kind of kneel beside him and i am going to cast cure wounds that's my spell casting ability
so cristo margaret and thea are all within sight and range of this um
uh it is just um not mass cure wounds sorry friends i'm just gonna hear this guy uh seven
plus five is 12 so he gets healed for 14 points of damage and as i do that my other knee kind
of comes down and i like have to kind of catch myself a little bit you see this energy pass
from Lex into this man and everybody within sight and earshot hear the bones crunch back
together as they reform and assemble and the blood stops coming out of his mouth and he's the
panic leaves his eyes as he looks up and says they thank you i trot up beside Lex and offer
myself as support so that he can lean on my big furry body to get up that's nice and then
i just say it's thea bt dubbs because i realize that we haven't talked since i left and
um i guess
why is it so mysterious russ now they're all just gone again you guys when i was out in the woods
i saw where that first big monkey thing came from and it was inside a tent
oh so it was in a tent it was in a tent before it burned that tent down
do you think one of the villagers turned it hey cristo is everyone accounted for the creature
appeared from within a tent so is one of your people missing did one of your people um let
let me uh let me go check you see people kind of as as things are calming down coming back
from the tree line and those that had weapons are um are kind of doing i'll just do it i'll
do a count and and let you know and he runs off to go do that it's either that or they're
popping up through some sort of portal through some sort of i don't know well i mean they
disappeared via lightning maybe they arrive that way too is it lightning or are they being sent
to different places because i feel like they were being called back
all at once when the big ones died and then they all left at once it seems like a strategic
retreat the big one the the real big one it wasn't entirely this but it seemed like it had
elements of of the fae i don't know if you've all dealt with them i haven't had a whole lot
of run-ins but it was like a a hodgepodge of different animals and it was very distinctly
angry nature is the best way i can describe it thea nods her head there's some
fucked up creatures in the fae i wouldn't be surprised at all but how did it get here
what is it doing here did you notice did the lightning strike before it appeared or after
did i notice that the lightning struck before or after um you saw
the lightning appear from within the tent setting the tent ablaze and then it kind of
burned down around it the lightning seemed to have come first and then as the tent burned
away from the lightning there was you know as i have i have to give props a wonderfully
fabulous entrance but
i don't know maybe flint's right maybe they're coming and leaving through the lightning somehow
oh christo comes back and he says i mean some of some people are injured but it
it seems like every everybody's here whose tent is that and or whose tent rather was there
there's no tent left to be that um that was leroys and veronicas and jugheads
um you know it was just we none none of us are very important if that's what you're getting
at i mean we're all important in our own special unique flay we're all we're all unique
snowflakes as our parents have taught us um but did he say fae get him
him unique way unique way slip of the tongue sorry
i thought you were going to say in all of our unique flavors and then stopped yourself like
we're very tasty like little nuggets new problem cannibal everybody you're standing
around make a perception check margaret and Lex at advantage 18
so 26 am i relying on hearing or smell by any chance yeah hearing yeah so yeah you advantage
you're not very up to and this isn't as good so 18 is good okay also 26 26 26 all right the
26 is in the group so margaret and Lex you feel like a cold stillness fall over the group
so
look up and kind of scan eyes around the camp as you look around you
you the the trees that were moving naturally with the wind appear to be still at this moment
the clouds above you begin to swirl
anybody seen anything like this before and i'm looking at tia in particular
i look up at the sky in the direction that she's looking
has thea seen anything like this before it looks like a storm is it a storm are we in
the eye of a storm is this a hurricane i've read about those one of those elusive forest
hurricanes yeah it might be an ape nado i'm afraid i love everything about that sentence
if iron's earring shows up i'm gonna lose my mind ross did you get iron's
earring to guest star on the podcast three two one there he is
um no as you look up you i mean it aside from looking like a storm or perhaps a funnel cloud
forming you haven't specifically seen or felt anything quite like this i would say it's just
the weather except it's too coincidental and as you say that Lex and margaret make a dexterity
saving throw with advantage everybody else just a regular dexterity saving throw
18 19 16 6 18 19 100 is that your 25 so everybody everybody who rolled below a 19
oh wait what did cristo do not yeah yeah cristo you're in the same boat as me
lightning strikes right in the middle of your
and fans out this crackling energy and it's quickly followed by the beast you saw
at first as it falls from the sky and lands like a meteor crushing out
the ground below it throwing the majority of you off to the side Lex you just in the like nick
of time leap up as this thing hits the ground and manage to just miss the first wave as the
ground rolls out everybody except Lex is going to take uh 16 bludgeoning damage
plus 14 lightning damage so a total of 30 damage and you are knocked prone as this
huge fanged horned gorilla beast stares you down roll for initiative
now we're here in the middle now we're here it's the middle the middle
welcome to the gooey center this is where all the goods are it's like the middle of a cinnamon
roll that very center part where it's all like gooey and sugary and cinnamon you get
your fingers really sticky but you definitely wait and save for that part at the end yeah
yay or nay on raisins involved in cinnamon buns sometimes i'm good with i would say not
a hard no but my preference would be no okay yeah when i when i pick up a cinnamon bun i'm like
there's probably not raisins in this because i don't put them in there so probably not you know
when i pick up a cinnamon bun i think to myself this is delicious and wonderful you know what else
is wonderful our patrons our patrons are our patrons are the best uh over at Patreon.com
slash dumb dragon cast is where you can find out about all of our uh patronage and that
yeah that's what they nailed it and um our patrons helped us reach a goal oh and what and
how and for the reward at that goal okay so we watched moon raker james bond we russ's
favorite james bond movie we tweaked it in our minds to make it more like austin powers
and then we played a game faced around all of those facts swirling around in our brain
and that's what we put down so we played an austin powers themed episode and that's coming
out as this is released on friday which is february 7th and we can't wait and if that
combination sounds insane to you it is just wait till you hear the episode it's nuts uh
feel free to watch moon raker first then you'll be like what and then you'll listen
and you'll be like no what the way i like to picture it is you go you listen to the episode
it's available for patrons five dollars and up Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast
you go you listen to the episode and then you're like what the fuck why were they thinking
that this would be a good thing and then you go back and you watch moon raker like
and then it all makes sense because the source material was so elevated that yeah of course
we nailed it i'm on a horse every every story piece in that movie but you can go find that
over at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast the episode friday but you can become a patron today
absolutely you can thank you for considering it next week we've got a special bonus episode
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not an austin powers game although maybe if that's what you know definitely oh no please
but we have a game time tier and you can check out the details next week we're going to release
one of those uh sessions that we recorded with one of our patrons to show you how much fun we
have with you and hopefully you can have fun with us um sorry i'm just hung up on on the
if they ask for an austin powers theme you are opening yourself up to a world of possibilities
my friend i'm we're gonna be honest with you it's a higher up tier but because of that suggestions
are welcome and i will plan them maybe if somebody else is dm they won't plan them but
i i love you more than they do whoa there it is there it is all right ah yeah so that's
what we're gonna leave you on hopefully you have a wonderful day just to summarize you know
it austin powers sorry not sorry rust loves you more come play games with us
that's a very good summary you're just amazing that was it so good i think instead of the
montage of edits that you do at every start of the episode we should just have amy
do a succinct recap yeah i like it anyways back to the episode thanks everybody Patreon
dot com slash jump dragon cast please go check it out so margaret you're up first so you're prone
so to stand up takes half of your movement you were knocked just five feet out so not far from
the beast but uh you are currently prone staring down this large beasts face to face
yeah i'm gonna get up and reach into my pack and uh drink a potion
okay healing potion whiskey isn't it yeah it is a little liquid courage
uh so i'll heal 16 okay um what kind of what is the scene in in front of us now
you know this thing has hit ground zero is it blowing everybody back essentially
yeah so everybody except Lex Lex seems to have jumped up and is still standing
weapon drawn i presume everybody else uh in the immediate vicinity the the larger group was off
to the side um and panicked and fled for the most part i mean pretty much everybody uh
christo is seemingly unconscious um the beast is standing before you the ground around you
is torn up uh very much like when you found flint the and Lex originally
kind of that earthquake feel to it um and is considered uh difficult terrain so half movement
is halved okay um and so this is dnd question um so i used part of my movement to get up
obviously i i assume i used part of my movement to get in my bag as well
uh no that would have been a free action okay so yeah you would have used you've got a movement
of 30 yeah so you've moved 15 or used 15 to stand up so you still have 15 difficult terrain
like you you're you're within still within range okay um so i'm going to um activate my
my boots again and fly up next to Lex so as i get next to Lex i'm gonna raise my shield and
swing at this thing and see how sturdy it is compared to the other two styles we've seen okay
sturdier than that i assume uh 17 uh 17 hits but just barely
seven so you strike in with your mace again i assume yeah and it
it it it hits but the the beast doesn't seem to move or flinch based on this attack um it barely
even draws any blood like it's a scrape you hit kind of its arm from where you're standing
so you don't really see much damage below its fur um yeah seeing that this hasn't had much
effect i'm i'm gonna try again okay
no i'm not that would be a nine you know what thought about it you don't want to do it that
will not change my mind i'm just scuffing up this mace let me rethink this okay um it kind
of just glares down at you and grunts as flint you move into position all right how far away
am i uh you were knocked five feet back from the epicenter so i mean you're within
your yeah you're five feet out from where it is okay uh yeah i will also stand up
that seems like a good course of action okay um and i'll move towards where margaret and Lex
are you can make it within range you're not going to be able to cluster with them but
you'll be within a few feet from them what if i dashed over to them yeah we'll say you can make
it okay um if it's now engaged with with margaret and i'm guessing Lex via proximity
uh i'm gonna come at it from a slightly different angle so like wherever i would have been you
know 10 feet away from them i'll go at it from that angle just to spread out the love
a little bit and i will uh swing my moist tongue long sword at it okay uh that is a 24 uh that
will hit right that is eight cold damage and then five extra so 13 in total got it same
sort of thing as before does it look like it got hurt does it look like it paid attention
at all to my blow kind of like winces i guess a little bit but not like it took a huge hit
okay um what else do i have that's like maybe more fun to do than just hacking away at it
probably not much i'm just a fighter
uh yeah i guess i'll uh i guess i'll go for it again like oh we have a group of
it's a lot of fighters slashers yeah uh 16 i don't think that's gonna hit
no sir and we'll do third attack 24 again uh yeah
uh nine damage on that one okay at the end of your turn it uh moves without provoking
opportunity attack it leaps up into the air and back 40 feet so away from what would make sense
i'll run bitch uh moves towards the group of people so it's about 10 feet from the group
of people and lands on the ground it is its turn it turns and looks back at your group
and then charges towards the crowd of now running and fleeing people they've kind of
spread out so it's not going to get all of them but they must make uh i'm going to make
fist attack i'll run in a serpentine pattern that's uh that's a 30
when they think you're gonna say so luckily we've learned it's vindictive
right fuck you guys i'm going after the innocent people it charges into two of them
and you just hear bones crushing as it barrels through two people to one of those
people that Lex just finished healing up not specifically that one was the trip really
necessary um it is now 60 feet away from you damn it um and it is this turn dash doubles my
speed yes and it's 60 feet away it is yeah 40 20 60 feet away yeah great i'm gonna dash
okay because i wanted kill it because i hate it um i also am going to um use a superiority die to do
a fainting attack which if this attack succeeds will be handy okay um is 29 okay the attack
succeeds probably succeeds yeah let me remember i can expend a superiority die to add the total
to my damage roll okay and then i also will have advantage on my next attack okay so that
is no god i wish i got to roll a d20 it's my superiority down right so it's 13 damage
on that first attack okay and you have advantage on the next on the next attack which i well i'll
take it it was a 19 but okay no i'll take the 19 so that'll be a 29 okay uh six that's 10 damage
and then i will attack one more time oh my god how many actions you have can i borrow some
18 18 hits right you said 17 yes uh five nine damage
okay does it react to any of that is anything happening yeah so you run up behind it because
it was charging towards these people and you're striking into it um you manage to it does not
have fur on its hind quarters um you manage to draw blood and it raises a foot and launches
this clawed foot back at you kicking at you it cow kicks you um uh that's gonna be a 29
yeah i'll do it that's 14 bludgeoning damage okay dokey at least it doesn't bend over and
like fart in your face or something yeah at least it's just fighting it's not being rude
okay i can has turn now it is your turn now okay 60 feet away from you yeah it doesn't
even matter how far away it is i use a bonus action to turn uh back into my elven self
okay and i cast moonbeam on this motherfucker but it's a cloudy night
doesn't matter a silvery beam of pale light shines down in a five foot radius a 40 foot
high cylinder centered on a point within range range is 120 feet okay when a creature
enters a spell area for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there it is engulfed
in ghostly flames that causes searing pain and must make a constitution saving throw
otherwise it takes eight d 10 radiant damage constitution 15 fail
sorry yeah yeah get them yeah a shape shifter hold on i don't know if this is important or
not but maybe it is read it a shape shifter makes its saving throw with disadvantage
still stands if it fails it also instantly reverts to its original form and can't assume a different
form until it leaves the spell's light it is the same shape as when you did before it's worth a
shot i mean yeah and on each of my turns after this i can just move this beam so that it is
back on you how far can you move it 60 feet in any direction but the monkey doesn't know
that so it won't move 61 feet in any direction you can't i'm just saying it just won't
my daughter just so we're clear the monkey will not be doing
so many details here's that listeners i get to roll damage all zeros all zeros all zeros
oh okay wasn't all zeroes hoping for all zeroes because the zeroes are tens right i was
okay so there's ten guys is russell bad dm i don't know does rus know how to play dnd
i always assumed it was us that's why he never rolls d10s because he thinks he's getting zero
three thirty one thirty eight radiant damage suck it okay uh no tell me what it looks like
as it hits uh just seemingly out of nowhere parting the clouds i don't think it actually
goes up that high it's only 40 foot high um but just a blinding light blue and icy come
shooting down from the sky directly over top of this fucked up monkey it hollers
loud and it echoes and bounces off the trees and back around you it begins to charge towards
you moving 20 feet kind of just barreling past Lex and towards you and i trip it on its way i
put my foot out no okay we're back opportunity attack oh you said it doesn't zero i stick a
opportunity it's a little bicycle right did rust not mention it's on a tiny bicycle
back to margaret uh can i get to tia before the gorilla you can get to the yeah yeah so the
it charged forward uh about 20 feet um so it's another 40 feet away so you yeah it's your
turn so you could make it to thea yep okay uh yeah i want to fly over to thea and i'm gonna
touch her and uh touch her on the shoulder and now she has protection from evil and good
and so any fake creature attacking has disadvantage when attacking her interesting
having seen this thing her do something in it yeah okay awesome okay so margaret's got so
many tricks we've never seen does that count as an action a bonus action does it say uh that
is a spell that i get it is under um oh i see spells spells protection from good and evil one
action so yeah you still have two other actions to do something can't cast another spell but
um if you have some sort of yeah range attack or so i think that uh after i land next to her and i
touch her and cast a spell on her i'm gonna kind of put my hands on my knees for a second and
breathe heavy and i'm gonna use my second wind uh to get some hit points back okay
okay uh so that'll be 24 um and then i'm just going to ready an action to hit it
if it gets over here perfect okay um it is a flint yeah it was just here for a second
uh i'm gonna make my way over towards thea and margaret as well being as that seems to be
where that giant ape monster is going to uh but along the way i'm gonna throw my dwarf and
thrower at it several times cool cool cool cool cool cool it is cool it's a 23 uh yeah okay
and that'll be 14 damage on the first one okay
that is a 31 so i think that's gonna hit you've gone too high i mean it's a plus
13 bonus for us he's extreme who gave you that item fuck uh no comment idiot dm a benevolent
game master that's uh that's 11 damage on the next one sure yeah
oh rolled it off the table hang on that's a nat 20 if that happens right and that is a 19
i rolled a six that time guys
oh my goodness at least you can't miss and that is 15 damage
what exclamation was that okay so everybody's crowding around thea you let fly your hammer
it zings back again and again and you're hitting this beast as it's running towards you you
hear muscles tearing bones crunching as it's screaming towards you it gets within 20 feet
and it jumps up into the air uh it rolls into a ball and it comes crashing down
directly about 10 feet in front of you each of you uh except for Lex because you're farther
back can make a strength or dexterity saving throw your choice i mean i'm gonna pick the
one with the plus five bonus russ i get it seems like a good strategy that is a 24 okay 23 okay
13 okay the 24 and the 23 succeed the 13 does not but i have protection
what does that do for me target has advantage oh you have advantage on
okay gosh see i'm glad i asked oh oh 17 uh that's an 18 sorry 15 plus three is 18
18 still does not help oh fuck i know so close so close so glad we looked up all that information
about this spell you never know it might have worked it was very close um the earth heaves
up in front of you and a burst of lightning comes out shocking through uh those that don't
save take full damage those that do save take half damage so looking forward to this full damage
i'm gonna take 18 bludgeoning damage for full damage so nine for half and another 16 lightning
damage and thea you are knocked prone uh so that's eight and nine so 17 for those who take
half and you are not knocked prone i'm gonna use my reaction to use shield master evasion
which just lets me on a dexterity saving throw if it's half damage take none because i get
the shield up in front okay yep then you take none awesome it stands up and reaches to the
sky and lightning begins to call down to its hands it is uh Lexus churn dope so you are
it jumped 20 ran within 10 so you're 50 feet from it come on how can i yeah he went to his
mind palace to get those numbers didn't you see yeah totally uh and you dash more than once
you can't but it uses an action each time doesn't it is that how dashing works yeah
oh you can only dash once lame okay i don't fucking know dash i don't know yeah but i
think as long as you're taking up an action to do it are you asking just in general or like
just on your turn um so yeah just in general um you can't hold on you can't dash again
until you move zero so you dashed on your last turn so if you move zero this turn you can dash
on your next turn or you can move up to your full speed right now and not dash again until
you move zero because they assume you got to where you wanted to get and you can just kind
of stand they didn't account for the jumping monkeys the jumping monkeys the wind sprints i
was trying to do in the middle of this battle um okay then i guess i will throw a hand axe at
it but bear with me because i think i can do another thing also aim for the butt right
i mean that was right that was a different character choice but you know whatever
um yeah i'm gonna use another superiority die for distracting strike so i'll get to add the
superiority die to my damage and then the next attack roll i'll have um sorry the next attack
roll against the target by an attacker other than me will have an it will have advantage so
the next person that attacks it will have advantage okay so i am going to throw a
hand axe at it that is a 20 not a not the good one seven that is 13 damage i have another hand
axe so i'm gonna throw that one too that is 20 again and that is 15 damage so both of these
axes fly through the air and stick into the posterior side of this beast great well i have
one more attack so why not throw the dagger too let's just see how many i can how many weapons i
can have hanging out of this out of this ding dong uh 22 and 12 damage okay and so
yeah and then so the next person who doesn't attack has advantage um okay it um as it's
getting stuck with and it's reaching up to the sky it begins to move away from everybody
it's running towards the trees full speed so it moves 40 feet towards i mean we already
said it's 30 feet from it so it makes it to the trees do my weapons fall out of it as it
runs away yeah we'll say the muscles loosen them and they fall on the way be sad if i lost all
those nice weapons i got in that small but weaponful town uh thea you're up it is running
so it how far is it from where the beam was before that's my important question so it was
50 and then it ran another 40 closer to you guys so it is pythagorean theorem
a squared plus b squared equals it's too far away fucking hate you i can't do anything fun okay
equals 61 feet exactly math i mean it had been established it was not allowed to run more than
60 feet away i mean i can't help you know you you know hurting it and wanting to flee now
okay well i'm gonna let it go not the monkey but my beam back to the frozen songs
you have no idea so how you said it's 30 feet from me
uh it was 50 from actually and then it moved i did the math and it's 64 feet away
okay from the beam from the beam which sucks you're the worst yeah because you could have
just said it reached but whatever it's not like you're married to me or anything and
there will be consequences that's good okay how far is it from me uh 50 feet okay
okay
it's kind of funny come on i run toward it 20 feet okay it's in the trees by 10 feet
so obscured vision i'm not sure what you're trying fine i run into the wood so i can see it
okay yes sure you dash no because i won't be able to do any spells if i dash yeah yeah so you get
to the edge of the trees yeah good okay so even if i can just see part of its hairy ass
running away from me you see it's bleeding anus oh no wow i'm sure it doesn't want to just
have us kill it to put it out of its misery right well dagger right up right up the old
bumhole okay anyway uh on this fleeing behind that i see i cast blight upon it at fourth level
okay so necromancy energy washes over this monkey ass motherfucker um draining moisture
and vitality from it
i'm sure it's all coming from the bum uh target must make a constitution saving throw
13 yep that won't do it so it's going to take 11 d8 damage damn i don't have that many d8s
give me a moment do you need us to roll some d8s for you yeah we can also roll for you group
roll team rule i mean it's kind of a it's like a team building exercise if we all
roll all the d8s i have three available i'm not gonna i also have three i'm not gonna lie
to you i'm gonna say no only because i never get to deal damage ever that's fair so well yeah
russa always moves things four feet further from you than he needs i didn't even do it on purpose
it just worked out that way right subconsciously you were doing the math i knew it quickly it's
probably actually that's probably true your robot programming oh it's always doing math
that quickly just outside error
okay roll them i'm doing it
okay seven eight nine ten eighteen twenty four twenty seven thirty one
thirty four and then i have to roll two more so it's thirty four plus ten is forty four necro mantic
um necrotic necrotic that's the word i was looking for thinking no i think necromanic
was probably it yeah nailed it right there describe to me what your spell looks like
i mean it's a shit ton of damage but describe to me you run over to the trees
what do people see they see me run to the trees and then they see uh like a dark kind of cloud
that comes from my hands but it has like a like a slick oily look to it and it wraps itself
around this stupid monkey as it's running away and slowly starts to like squeeze and pulse
yeah i like the idea of like this this this stuff coming out of your hands and like
moving through the trees it does damage the foliage as it goes and then grabs grabs hold of
this creature as it's swinging through the trees and it it's begins to slow as the life
force is being drained from it and you see it reach for a branch and then begin to fall back
to the ground but right before it hits you see that same lightning bolt like the minute the
instant before it thuds to the ground it shoots up and out of the trees and everybody
sees it shoot above the tree line and this large explosion goes up into the air
and where there should be an echoing thud there is nothing
i think thea drops to her knees it takes a lot of energy to
suck the life out of someone but my hair is shinier so there's that
that
you are out of combat from what you saw if it had hit the ground you could presume that it would
have been dead but was sucked back by something or someone
doesn't feel like a win if i didn't for sure kill it i get it i think like the night sky
lighting up and just us standing out there and looking up at the like the cloud that it goes
back into just oh you gotta fucking be kidding me there's some like wimpy ass bitch somewhere
throwing monkeys down and then just taking them back i scream out to the universe come
and fight us yourself
somewhere else we see a almost a crystal ball within the a
liquid surface focusing in on thea and we see a hand tapping on the arm of a a chair
it pens up and to the back of this person and we see in this room the dead body of this creature
and long white hair the loadiest fucking bros main good as he laughs
and says i'll be coming for you soon
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